Friday, February 15, 2008

Somebody should do something

That's it. That's fucking it. The membrane-thin level of tolerance I once had has finally dissolved into some bitter bile-flavoured liquid and I find myself hating many of the people I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In fact, fuck it. I'm beginning to hate a great many of the morons I'm forced to share the planet with. They breathe in air that I'd like for myself, thankyouverymuch and wear down my concrete pavements with their overpriced trainers which, on the whole, have more intelligence than their wearers.

I'm a software designer for a living so spend much of my time programming, but due to the fact that I work for a very small company with relatively few staff (and those support staff we do have are all primarily skilled in solving hardware problems) I do telephone support for the stuff I've written. I really haven't got time to train anybody else in it so I mostly don't object to taking the odd phone call from confused and bewildered end-users.

Now, I love error and warning messages. I'm all for making them as clear as humanly possible because, and here's the important bit, the clearer they are, the less that people have to call me and interrupt my very important programming time. If something I've written tells you that you can't run the month end routines because you haven't invoiced all your customers yet, my faith in human nature tells me that the individual who reads this can put two and two together, wait ten or so minutes for the appropriate electrical signals to pass through the clotted neural pathways and think, "Ooh. Best invoice all my customers then."

If only this were the case. Politeness (and the fact that I really don't want to lose my job) sadly prevents me from pointing out the bleeding obvious to the people who ring throughout the day with problems such as this.

Therefore, because of people such as this and their ilk, I propose a cull. I've thought this through before (unhealthily too much, if anything) and I already have a fair few groups from society on the list.

(1) People at cashpoints who approach the question "Would you like to carry out another transaction?" as though it's the start of some terrifying philosophical debate and therefore have to press "No". They'll then reinsert their card and start the whole process again - and typically will do this when I'm standing behind them either in a rush or standing in the pissing rain.

(2) People at Zebra crossings who are under the misguided impression that clicking the button several dozens of times will in some way speed up the crossing process - as though the more clicks they can achieve in a set period of time trips some light at traffic control who therefore designate the particular crossing as having a higher priority than the rest. "Twenty three clicks at the ringroad, Bill. Best set that one to Red."

(3) Soap Stars who leave their shows to concentrate on a singing career, fail, and then have no shame into returning from the show that spawned them. They should be forced to have the words "desperate and talentless" added by deed poll to their surnames which then BY LAW must be appended to their names in the shows credits AND THEIR NAME THEN HAS TO LINGER ON SCREEN FOR AT LEAST THIRTY SECONDS.

I have many many more that I'll no doubt cover at some stage, but this is a good start. It's good for the environment for one - a less populated world means a healthier one. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.


  1. Fail on Point 2.

    Everyone knows that the more you click, the faster the lights change. It's a hangover bug from the old days. The traffic lights systems were programmed by the makers of Decathlon.

  2. I thought better of you, Bud :( It's a well known fact that the Decathlon traffic light systems were retired by 1989, to be temporarily replaced by Hypersports ones. These too had vanished by 1991 though.


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